Back during the pandemic, I struggled to really get to know this one girl I really liked after graduating high school. There were not many moments where we could speak, and I really wanted to make the most out of our conversations whenever we did talk. It was stressing me out enough to talk to a psychologist about it! This is when I first got introduced to active listening. It seemed like something simple, but it’s hard! When done right it made our conversations more personal, more fun. 

 Over time, it felt like the connection between us really grew and we developed a really strong friendship that we still have years later. But a lot of that stuff we know each other, would not be possible without active listening skills. It’s because of this story that I’m going to tell you about active listening and how to do it.  

What is Active Listening? 

Active listening is a set of skills and behaviors that improve your ability to retain information, as well as improving the overall flow of the conversation. It includes things like nodding and repeating the last few words to the person to make sure you are understanding them and asking questions. Active listening really highlights how non-verbal communication is a major part of interaction. It’s basically going beyond just being a wall that does not react to the conversation.  

I was speaking to Professor Mara K. Berkland, who is a professor of communication here at North Central College, and she had this to say about active listening: “It’s not like active listening has a positive impact, and then everything else has a neutral impact. It’s that active listening has a positive impact, and other forms of listening have a negative impact. And I think that’s really important to understand as well.” 

This can be particularly helpful for the social aspect of starting college or being a college student. 

Why Active Listening Matters for College Students

As I mentioned before, this sort of stuff can help the conversation flow or even make the conversation better. Since you are able to show the other person, you are listening. When I spoke to my friend Cooper Ludovice about this topic, he mentioned that non-verbal cues and eye contact were an important part of it. Research shows that this is true. We had a pretty good conversation about this afterwards and he mentioned something that perked my ears up. “Active listening helps whoever you are listening to. If they feel you are engaged, they will speak better.” This means it may be a way to get more out of a conversation that you otherwise would not be able to without active listening. This is something he and I feel comfortable talking about likely because we are both older college students.  

Active listening really shines in 1 on 1 interactions. They can be romantic interactions or simple casual ones; the effect happens mostly the same. It can help people feel heard when speaking to you, which will make them want to talk to you again in the future. I had the privilege of interviewing Professor Karl Kelley, who is a professor of psychology here at North Central College. He agrees that active listening is hard when done appropriately. And he also said, “If I’m active listening to what you are saying, and you are active listening, it’s a learning opportunity for both of us.” He told me his favorite word is psychology is “passion”, because passion involves suffering, but its “Suffering that moves you forward”. Meaning, it’s hard to do it, but you do it because you care about them enough to put up with it. Being passionate about the other person and having a genuine interest in them is why it works! I’ll explain a bit more about this in the next section! 

 Active listening also has a role in the workplace and is a skill that can be practiced by young professionals in college. Meaning you can get an edge over other people in the field of your choosing. You may be wondering why active listening can get more out of a conversation, and there is actually some interesting science behind the different modes our brain is in when we have conversations.

The Science Behind Active Listening

There is some interesting stuff going on in a person’s brain when they are subject to active listening. Your brain is by default in a “Relating mode” when speaking to other people. Someone says something to you, and you say something back to them. They comment or tell a joke, and you respond with one of your own. There is an intrinsic desire to relate to others, and this may be because our brains  like to avoid conflict since it perceives it as a threat. So, to avoid conflict with others, you will try to relate to them. However, another thing we do because of this is wait for our turn to speak rather than actually listen to what the other person is saying. When we active listen, we are putting our brain in a “Creating Space mode”.  

We are giving that person the floor and creating a “stage” for them to share with us. Professor Kelly told me “I think active listening creates an environment of care” Which does not mean you have to agree with them, but care about their words, nonetheless. That person speaking then enters a “Share mode” when we reinforce their words with our behaviors. He also mentioned that if you just went through the motions in a conversation, the speaker would try to keep the conversation short, but active listening can make the conversation longer. People like talking about themselves, and when you let them do it, they will like it. “The care could [then] lead to trust, and when you care and trust someone, you become more comfortable in sharing your perspective.” He concluded later on “When you’re actively listening, neurologically and other biological systems as well, begin to synchronize […] then we feel closer to someone.” He shared a lot of interesting information with me, and I could easily write a whole blog about this interview alone. He was lovely to speak to. 

We can see there is some pretty interesting psychology behind active listening. I wanted to focus on four insightful tips to improve your active listening skills. These are the vitals, the soul of it, the easiest way to really understand what matters and what it all means.